Title: Thoughts
Author: Meeeee yea Emma or Jolly_fishcake
Rating: um it Swears a tiny bit
Summary of chapter: it is about thoughts i guess
Disclaimer: yada ya i dont own them i am not them etc and oh this is the first thing i have actually let anyone read :)



Billie Joe had been sitting in the dark room for hours now, hunched up over himself, back against the wall, fighting back bitter tears from his emerald eyes that seemed to have lost their sparkle. Thoughts racing through his mind as the demons of his past and also his present predicament danced around him amongst the countless shadows. Each one twisting in his head to memories regrets and despair each adding to the morbid sadness he was already battling. He longed for drink or drugs of anything that would banish them back to his mind, stop them from haunting him so. He longed to break free from them, if only for a short while, for the familiar sense of peace and relaxation he always knew. He knew he couldn’t, not this time. This was one time intoxicating himself until he could no longer feel, no longer think and eventually passed out onto the floor wouldn’t make everything alright. Yes, they may release him from the bitter grip of these satanic minions for a while, but they would be waiting, getting stronger. When he came round he know it would be a million times worse, he would merely be feeding them, giving them fuel to attack him further. He would simply be making the whole realisation a whole lot more harsh.

He was lost.


It’s weird how one thing can happen and it turns your whole world on its head. I mean, it really puts your whole life into some sort of fucked up perspective. I mean before this I used to wake up every morning thinking woo yea I rock, not in a big headed way but in an I-am-so-happy-I-have-the-best-life-ever-I-am-so-lucky kinda way. I mean why wouldn’t I feel like that every morning I wake up go downstairs eat say goodbye to my beautiful wife and wonderful kids, then go meet my two best friends and play music all day. Now, well look at me I’m sitting on my own in an abandoned house, trying to keep myself from falling apart. I guess I took all that for granted, how much l need those around me how much the music REALLY means to me, it’s my life. I say it all the time but I guess I finally realise what I meant. I wish so much I was there right now playing my heart out instead of here..

I guess that’s the thing. I suppose I always hid behind music to solve my problems. I mean, when my dad died music took over, when my mom got a new boyfriend that we all hated I didn’t be sad and deal with it like my older brothers and sisters, I went out as much as I could to practice, I wrote songs about it. It was my way of ignoring the problem I guess, turning it into something else. Then there was dropping out of school, I knew it was a mistake, but I couldn’t bear to disappoint everyone by failing. I couldn’t bear to disappoint myself. So I put on a brave face. Music, I told my mom, I am going to focus on that. I refused to go back or get a job and I could see it hurt her and it killed me inside. Yet, I couldn’t face not graduating, couldn’t face getting stuck in some dead end job and knowing well this is it for the rest of my pathetic life. Maybe I should have just talked to her about it, or something, anything, she didn’t deserve it.

Thing is, in doing that I think I pushed myself even further into it. I mean, when Al told us he was going to college, I freaked. Screaming at him and shouting at him that he was letting us down. When I said he was killing the band what I think the problem was really was I was scared. Scared of what was to become of me. I wished I could go to college, have something to rely on. However, I knew had no hope of that and it scared me. What if we never made anything of ourselves, I would have to get some crappy job in a toothpaste factory or something until in sixty. Fuck that. I think maybe I was too harsh on him, well, I know I was, but I was jealous. He had hope of a future for sure, something concrete to rely on. What did I have music, yea I loved it, but in comparison to his concrete block he could rely on, music was a wobbly piece of foam, soft and enjoyable, but not that secure.

When we did get somewhere it was awesome, I mean we were there doing things we had dreamed about. Not to mention was relieved at least I had a chance or making something of my life, the foam was becoming a tad more solid I guess. I missed Al a little, but Tre is really cool... ha stupid name ... but anyway think that’s why I thought a name change was so good, it kinda made it less like Tre was replacing him, more like we were a new band altogether. Even now I still hide behind music, whenever anything bothers me I just use music to help myself, I guess it’s a flaw, a bad habit. A bit like the drugs I guess.

The drugs and alcohol, well they were fun. I mean, its not like they were a problem. Who am I kidding, I used to get myself so out of it I couldn’t think and eventually I would just pass out, come around and mike would have to drag me home because I had no clue where I lived. I think i'll just put it down to being young and foolish. Now well I’m nowhere near as bad and I wouldn’t dream of doing anything like that around the kids, but I think I need to get off it what kinda dad am I if I take drugs, even if it is only when I’m out. Smoking full stop actually, I tried to do the good dad thing and quit but it’s hard and I never was the type of person known for my willpower… Take now for example my body is screaming at me to take something, stop myself thinking these thoughts, stop the pain they bring. I’m not giving in. I can't. To do that would be proving my self not only completely right, that doesn't matter. Sadly, I know I am, but it would be showing myself there is no hope. No small chance I can learn from this make it through it all.

The other thing about drugs is they make you out of control of your actions to a certain extent and I guess I a afraid I am going to end up hurting Adie. I'm worried I am going to get out of it and act upon the thoughts i have. Meaning like you know when I kiss the guys or a fan on stage. Adie is fine with that, she trusts me, sees it as part of my job I guess. Thing is I hope it is enough to control the thougthts I get. I mean when a beautiful fan is with you and they listen to everythjing you say with such interest and eagerness, you think things. Thankfully, I have never acted uopn them. I wouldn't, never. They are just sexual feelings lust. I will never love anyone like i love Adie and i never will, ever. I couldn't bear to hurt her or the kids, they don't deserve it. but if i was out of it I am worried I might do someting I would regeret. I might hurt her. If I caused her any pain, I swear I love her too much I would die...


"Billie? Are you here?"
"Adie? Is that you? What are you doing here?"
"Mike said I might find you here.....Oh Billie you're crying.."


What is she doing here? I never wanted her to see me like this. She looks worried, I can't bear seeing her so concerned... and did she say Mike?..... No, I must have been hearing things. Why would he give a dam?


"Billie say something!, I'm worried about you..."
"Adie....."
"what is it Billie?"
"I'm sorry...."
"for what? You're confusing me"
"I'm sorry I am such a failure..."


Sitting here, holding her, It's almost more than I can bear. She looks so worried and I love her so much, yet all I ever do is let her down...


"You are not a Failure. Why aren't you playing today then? thats not like you guys.."
"We had an argument..."


The truth is, we didn't. I was really would up, I can't even remember why. I was trying to practice this song and everytime I was so stressed I messed it up and it made it all worse. Eventually I just flipped, threw my guitar on the floor and started shouting and swearing. The guys tried to calm me down and I just lashed out at them them stormed off. I'm such a prick. I said some really bad things I didn't mean and I feel like shit for it. I should ahve gone back. I am such a twat, instead I ran like I always do and came here....


"Is that it?"
"what do you fucking mean is that it?!!! I doubt they will ever talk to me again."


now i am lashing out at her. Fuck. Pull yourself together.


"I'm sorry Adie.. That was wrong, it's just i said some really bad things.."
"Maybe you should go talk to them mike just seemed worried about you."


Maybe i should. I guess I didn't go back because i was scared to admit I was wrong. Maybe the others are not as immature as me and saw it as just an argument. I think I was just scared that it was all going to go away. That I would lose them and no longer have the music in my life. It was a scary thought. I learnt alot today, about myself. Things I do, mistakes I make, things I guess everyone else already knew..........

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woot! this is the first thing i have ever let anyone see. and i actually finished something for a change ^__^ so yeah...